Time heals? Nah, by time you get familiar with this pain, this feeling, this void that you’ll get used to it.
Sharing my story might help you heal sooner.
Perhaps, I am truly a good little girl with a heart of gold, and who can easily be fooled. Of course, that is one way to waste goodness around you when you have me.
Why was I trying so hard to be anything else apart from who I am?
As I write this, I recollect the moments when my sister used to say how innocent I am and that I trust everybody… often she uses the word ‘dumb’ and I used to defend myself by asking her to recollect the times when she was afraid to talk to me, and how much she used to feel brave around me.
And my friend used to keep herself away from discussing with me on some topics, and I used to feel strange. When I ask, she used to say that I wouldn’t like talking or listening to stuff like that… again I used to defend myself that I am not that sensitive to not get along. I used to feel very bad that the picture my dearest people carrying about me doesn’t match up to what I am trying to show.
I often feel dismissed, unheard, unseen, and less spoken to. I used to have mental arguments with them on and on that used to deplete my confidence to be around them anymore.
One day, my mom said she doesn’t want to talk to me about my past anymore because she was afraid that I would cry for hours. My dad never shares about how much he is not happy with the way I used to spend money on people whom I don’t even know just so they could afford something they need (my father does a lot of charity. He says that he likes it if people help each other, but not to an extent where you yourself need some help but you go around helping others. He is right).
Very recently, I discovered a crystal truth about myself that the person I am is exactly who they all are seeing in me. UFF! Such a relief in accepting this, I must say!
The truth is that, they are seeing what I am, and who I am very clearly. But all this while I am trying hard to show them whom I am trying to be. the truth is, I am trying to be opposite to everything they describe me as: Innocent, sensitive, an avid giver, trust people easily…etc. YES they are right.
I gave up trying to fake it anymore trying to look bold and badass when all that I am is SIMPLE. I give up. I give up trying to be anything but who I am without editing self or a mask.
When I look back, it was all because of my belief system. I wanted to be a tuff person to be convinced because I mistook it for smartness. I wanted to be a badass because I mistook it as the only way to avoid being emotionally attached. I wanted to be that girl who gives back right at you so that you don’t dare to trash talk with me. I was trying to be someone who hurt me without being affected by my pain. But later I understood that I can never fit into that personality because people who are hard and find tuff ways to not fit into are already unfit to be themselves.
I don’t have to be all of that for someone to learn my worth, to draw boundaries, to say ‘NO’.
Yes. I am accepting the fact that I am very kind, very wise, and too nice. Though that pushes me into a lot of trouble that I don’t want to deal with, it is better to face issues for who you are rather than who you are not yet.
I learned to say out that Yes, I trust people and they show their true colours. Yes I love people to an extent that I refuse to see the other side of them. Yes, I over help people because I celebrate joy of others. I hate the word innocent, but chuck it, yes I am innocent about a lot of things where I often give a chance to people to fool me. Yes, I don’t like listening about others private stories, negative news and things about how someone cheated on someone else. To sum it up, yes I am very delicate and I am a very harmless human even when I know you would harm me.
So how do I deal with it?
Hmm well I gave a lot of thought to it and surprisingly I figured out the best possible answer to this.
ENVIRONMENT. My circle and my hobbies needs to go on editing mode. I need to pick who is clearly cool for me and who is not. I realised what I am capable of handling and what I am not. The change starts here. This is what will truly heal you. You have to surround yourself with people who compliment the standards you carry, and whom your personality can handle.
My hobbies will remain the same because they are the ones who silently notice me for who I am without making me feel unseen, unheard; my favourite are lighting candles, playing a soothing music as I wake up, cook good food, Reading a book, and writing feel-good mails to those people far from my circle like my favourite authors, and someone randomly who inspires me.
I feel good to stay home alone and work on myself. Though I guard the person I am dearly, there is always a scope for betterment so I love to put in work to bring the best of me.
Time to conclude this article:
I am finally feeling so light-weighted from within. I learned that the biggest relief is in accepting who you truly are, and it is unbelievable the way you start feeling when you say ‘YES’ when you want to say YES. And when you say ‘NO’ if that is what you wanna say.
Hating someone who has done bad to you cannot always be a solution to feel better. I started feeling better when I started focusing on myself: ‘I gave the best I can from my purest heart, and how much of my love for that person was true no matter what they did to me this approach truly eliminated all the hard emotions from within. I feel I fly at ease.
Remember: Expressions like – ‘sorry, I love you, thank You, and I am responsible’, are the most beautiful expressions stored in your heart. I promise it won’t drop your crown if you mean it. Stay grounded. Guard that little girl in you, my friend.
FOR You to think:
Is trusting easy or doubting? And I know you might say ‘but trusting breaks heart’ but I say ‘prepare yourself how to handle your heart in all the ways instead of waiting for the moment where someone proves you wrong for trusting’.
Being who you are is easy. Saying ‘NO’ is easy. Trusting is easy.
Loyalty is easy, not cheating… So is the love, and not hate.
Hope you liked what you read. for more such articles, especially on mental health, check my website: www.mady.blogm
And for more such reads, follow this link: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-ways-always-yourself-and-live-happily.html
P.S: I am super excited to share my first book ‘BREEZE BROUGHT YOU BACK‘!!!
Get your copy from AMAZON or from GOLDRIBBON (avail 10% discount).
You can reach me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com (madhavi_chiguru)
GMAIL: wowbymady09@mady
Stay happy, and keep yourself flexible to change 🙂
Such a beautiful write Mady 👏🏼